Hey everyone my mom let me post on here today (well i'm actually supposed to be doing homework but let's not focus on details...). I realized that i write way to much about how i feel and not enough on what's actually going on in my life. I'm must be boring you all to death with all my feeling crap. So now i shall tell you a bit about what's been going on in my life.
I'm finally adjusting back to Somerset, it sure is alot more work and much funner than i remembered. I'm constantly getting homework from all of my classes, especialy my BST class. My teacher is having us work on this huge project that has turned us quite literally into a company. Tons of work involved with that....
But i'm also having tons of fun too. Last friday there was Somerset Academy's first ever football game, football team vs. faculty. The faculty kicked their assess. The Friday before we had a pep rally( I even painted my face for it), volleyball game, and dance all in the same day. That was a fun day too. And last Sturday was my good friend Alyssa's party which was lot's of fun fo rthe first half (it was a pool party an dall my friends were their) and the second half was pretty cool too because what started as a game of truth or dare turned into a painfully honest reveal all disscusion about ourselves, our lives and our feelings. It was quite insightful and pretty cool, and i walked away feeling that much closer to my friends. Sunday I went to coldstones with Michi and Alyssa and then we went to this gaming place called Outlan right next door. My brother also tried to run away this weekend but he wasn't quite serious about it and he only made to out side our development till my mom picked him up and droped him outside Wal-mart. My granmother picked him up and he spent the weekend at my grandmother's. Now he's grounded for twice the time he was before. But that's just the kind of person my brother is. He can't have it his way so he just runs away from the problem blaming everyone but himself.
Oh my it seems i've run out of time you guys. I'll post soon....
Hey everyone sorry i havn't posyed in a while. And i'm especially sorry for my last entry. I've been so unbelievably busy these past few weeks it's just insane. Oh and about that last entry.....
Well to tell you guys the truth i wasn't feeling like myself that day and i REALLY regret some of the things i said in there. You see ever since i got back from Somerset I've felt so lost and just kind of a loser acdemically atleast. I've studied everything i've missed and taken the test but i just don't have the experience everyone else has had from sitting in class and going over things and practicing. I thought my writing sucked, my responses sucked, my work too i mean i just thought everything i did was crap. I thought that whatever i did just wasn't good enough and i needed to be more intellegent and school oriented. I began to really become annoyed by my everyday conversations and some of my friends attitudes on school which i thought was fobbing my brain of further practice of being intellegent. So i took out on them and that just wasn't fair. I was also very upset of "not okay" as i mentioned before due to all the self-loathing i had. I hated the way i spoke, wrote, acted and even thought. I hated my weight and some aspects of my appearance and personality. It was just insane and rough for me these past few weeks.
I'm happy to report though that i'm doing quite better now. I still have that self-loathing in me now but i feel as if once i get caught up and improve my writing and vocabulary (which i'm taking steps to improve now) i'll be resolved of it. I'm going to be REALLy busy these next few weeks so don't expect me to post to often this month or the next. Countless school event and activities and endless piles of homework. But i don't mind actually. I'm up for the challenge.
Well hello everyone it’s been a while but altleast inside of a month this time. Today’s entry I wonderfully titled not okay for a reason. But before I get into that I’d just like to thank a friend of mine named Kathy (she’s probably never going to read this since she doesn’t know it exists but still…) for burning me the My Chemical Romance C.D. It’s freaking awesome. But anyway back to the main idea of this entry, my now overwhelming task of catching up in every sense you could think of now that I’m back at Somerset, having to deal with the responsibilities of my Anime Club and my National Honors Society, having to now deal with all of the friends who I feel no longer truly understand me (I know that’s sounds stupid or typical but just wait I’ll explain later), having to deal with me overworked, stressed out mother every night and our "lack of trust" issues, and the constant reminder I keep receiving to try and to convince my mother to let me play and practice volleyball all combine to make my life quite miserable. To all of those who care enough to want to read about my miserable existence on this Earth I invite you to pull up a seat; this is going to be a long entry…
Well I’m back at my beloved Somerset and as much as I thought I would be prepared to make up all the work I never anticipated how hard it would be to completely catch up with everyone. You see I can do the work put I haven’t practiced speaking, writing, or even learned the material nearly as well as everyone else because they just simply have more experience then I do and, I’ve missed things that you just frankly have to be there for you to get and it bothers me like you wouldn’t even believe that I can’t truly learn everything I missed. Not to mention that my Anime Club in my momentary absence has been slowly crumbling to pieces, leaving me with more than I initially dreamed of with this club because not only do I now have to try and make it a success but I have to get my member to care too. And with the my National Honors society which is struggling enough as it is (since we’re a new chapter and hardly anyone cares about school or anything to do with it here) our adviser (who is one of the coolest people I’ve ever met in my entire life) Mrs. Sluzky is leaving to Costa Rica next school year with her husband another teacher at this school (last () applies to him as well) and as happy I am for them and sad to see them go, it has now hit me that my dream to make Somerset a better place is going to get MUCH harder to make a reality seeing as how they worked with a similar vision in mind but they’ve just given up on this school. This school will do that to you and without they’re help it’ll get way tougher but I’ll never give up on this school no matter how hard it gets unless I die by overworking myself first…. Hopefully that doesn’t happen….
Being at Charter I feel as if I grew a lot as a person and in my maturity and I really learned a lot there. When I left I really felt as if my friends (or rather my closest friends) completely understood everything and all (or almost all) of me. But when I came back and had to interact with them, I’ve realized they’re exactly the same as when I left them, and I end up feeling strangely alone. My interests, motivations, and perspectives are kind of different now and well…. I don’t know…. I mean I just feel like in 9th grade we should be having far more intellectual conversations then rhymes about spaghetti or who hurt so and so’s feelings. Since when were all of everyone’s conversations so trivial? And there are my friends, who simply couldn’t give a damn about things that are regarded so highly by me like school or… well I could start to list things but then you would never finish reading this….
I don’t fault my friends for that. I still love them all dearly and I’m so grateful to have all the friends I have. That’s the thing I’ve realized, people can be stupid in high school but you can’t fault them for it because they don’t know any better. We’re all try to figure out our way in this world and what kind of people we will become so if someone is being an asshole or acting like a weirdo I can’t be really annoyed or angry at anyone because it really isn’t completely their fault.
Also, you may not agree with some of the things your parents may do or say to you or your brother/sister but you have to realize they have their ways. Is it necessarily the right way? No, but it’s up for you to decide that. My mother is a single parent who has me and my twin brother Javier as children to take care of which is a major task in itself, is very stressed and overworked from her job and is constantly blowing things out of proportion. And despite the previous steps we’ve taken to get to know each other (which have been very good actually) better and work things out between us it can still get bad sometimes (our household is not a happy household that it is not). The latest thing: grades from Charter. Not good. As a result my cellphone and Box Thing (the mp3 player I got for my birthday on the 24th) got taken away and I was grounded for a week. *Sigh* the chances of my return to volleyball look slim seeing as how my mother seems to dislike me more and more as the days wear on… Life just keeps getting better and better…
Nevertheless, I’m still going to school and pretend like everything’s fine and answer I’m okay when I’m obviously not to anyone that asks. I won’t speak about anything in this entry unless I bring it up- just a heads up to anyone of my close friends reading this right now. Ask me if I’m okay and prepared to be lied to. I’m going to paste a smile on my face and pretend for a while. See how that goes…. Alyssa and Ken seem to be good at that, maybe I’ll ask them for some tips…
Hey everyone, Happy St. Patricks Day! How long has it been now... a month?*sigh* Sorry about that you guys i gotta get better on that....
Well alot has happened to me since i last wrote in here. It turns out my mother and i had lots of issues with each other and there was a lot of miscommunication and distrust in our relathionship. Through this whole school situtation we've been able to learn alot about each other and what the othe ris going through and now we're both working on making things better. To all those teenagers out there with problems with thier folks i suggest you talk to your folks about or see your family shrink(we did actually). And don't assume your the only one with major parental issuses cause your not.
Also after two months of heated debate and lots of tears(that's kinda hard to explain so don't ask) i'm finally coming back to Somerset. And you know, in the end Charter really wasn't so bad. It just isn't the place for me you know. This school (i'm in class at Charter right now actually...last day) isn't better but different and i don't hate this place at all. Actually i'm grateful, oh so grateful for this experience because i learned SO much and i feel like a different, more mature person than when i left. So i'm coming back to Somerset with clearer goals, different attitudes towards all of the people i knew, and a new perspective on the world. I'm going to build new relathionships and strenghen old ones, do every assignment and test as if it determined my future and make somerset into THE school to go to in west broward county.
Do i sound ambitous? How about unrealitsic? Maybe. But i'll never know untill i try my hardest. To all those fellow peers in Somerset i ask of you guys to help make Somerset great. So you can have a school to be proud of and be able to look back and say you really enjoyed high school because you decided to get of your butt and do make it that way. you create your own experiences. So if your life sucks it's because you made it that way.
I have to go now but i'll try to type in here more often...
HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!
Wow, hey everyone sorry i havn't posted in a while. I've been really busy and so much has happened. Where do i start?.....
Well here i'll start from less to more recent. I was starting to o alot better. My grades dramaticaly improved(i had a 3.5 GPA which hadn't happen in almost two years despite popular thoughts), I was making new friends and buliding relathionships everyday, started my anime club ( a work in progress but it's still just a baby), and i was learning more from my classes(which were challenging-just the way i like them) everyday. I had recently come to a revelation that sometimes, you just need to sit down and do your work, regardless of whether your stressed out or don't feel like it. and in the end the work increases your knowledge and ability to do better on whatever it is.(this line of thinking probably lead to my improvment in grades). I truly felt at home in Somerset and despite all that my school lacked, i swore to myself i would stay there till i graduated and help make it the great school i know it could be. But then, i ofcourse wasn't aware that my mother had other plans....
About 3 years ago i applied to Pines Charter an elementary, middle, and high school. Then i was in Silver Trail and i was misreable there. I was number 437 so i was like "okay never mind". When i got to Somerset i completely forgot about Charter. After a while i didn't care to go back but i guess my mom did. About three weeks ago my mom got a call from Charter saying that me and my brother got accepted. Three days later guess who has to go to a new school? Needless to say i was devestated and despite my naturally optimistic attitude, especiall for new oppurtunities, i knew i wasn't going to like this school.
And after two and a half weeks in this school i know it isn't for me. Many people said this school is better for me and for a long time prior to all this i've heard Pines Charter has this and it has that and it the best school in this area. And i guess this school is alright but in many, many ways it doesn't compare to Somerset.I won't go into it because that could be an entry all to it self and this one is long as it is but i will say that the grass truly isn't greener on the other side and my biggest struggle these past few weeks is getting my mom to see that. Tommorrow we're going to see our my brother and I's old psychiatrist who will help us decide which school is right for us and hopefully with a prayer a little luck i'll get to go back.
But you know i am gratefull for this experience because i've learned so much from it. Everything has it's purpose and i see why God brought me here. But i just know i'll never be happy here and i won't learn as much or be my ideal self in this school. There are both academic and social aspects to why the school isn't right for me and the personal goals i set for myself to be better as a person lie in Somerset.
Maybe things will work out and maybe they won't but i can't bear to think of what will happen if they don't so i'll just look at the good things about my life untill the decision is made. The game star Ocean:till the end of time has officially consumed my life and i FINALLY started to write the story i've been talking about since the seventh grade. I've also read and seen lots of anime lately which is cool too.
So i'll shut up before you guys shut your computer of borden from reading this entry. Anyone ever feel ike e-mailing me it's starryenigma3242@yahoo.com . I'm always up for making new friends. Peace out everyone!
Wow,Hey everyone! It's been so long!I haven't posted since they banned Bravenet on my school's computers. An then when summer came without a regular internet source i guess i just forgot about it. But i guess that's kinda just an excuse huh?...I'm sorry guys but i will try and post more often this year.
Wow, so much has happened to me this year where should i begin? Well, this last year has been such a defining year for me as a person it's been the most important of my life.I learned so much about life,people, friendships and myself i can't even begin to try and tell you all of it. Sometimes it was a rough year;all the drama between my friends,watching the friendship between two of my closest friends end, had serious family issues, had to stop playing volleyball, a sport i had learned to love, because my mom forbids me to practice and saw my grades reach a new low (went from and A/B to a C/D student this last somester of 9th grade). But there was a lot of good in it too. I now have some many friends it's rediculous and beacame much closer to the friends I already had.I met new people and went to new places(for example
aris). My school is slowly on it's way to greatness and isn't completly disorganized now thta we got a new principal. I met and had some amazing teachers and had schoolwork that was actually a challenge for me(that hasn't happened since like 6th grade!)I learned and played a sport i really liked. Played and own Final Fantasy gamed that took over my life over the summer and read truley good books too. Became a DDR master(you know the game with the arrows you have to step on). Have a closer relathionship with God and (one of the most important things) learned.If there's anything i really enjoy it's learning about life,people,places relathionships and why things are.
But now it's a new year and it's time to stop reminicing about the past and focus on the future.A new year brings new people,new friendships,new relathionships, new wants, new fears,new hopes, new dreams, new life lessons, new EVERYTHING. So i'm looking forward to this year and i'm excited for it's coming and ALL it brings with it. Good and bad.
Hey everyone. It's me. Sorry i havn't been updating. I don't feel like doing much of anything these day. I have to say i'm sorry to anyone who i hurt or offended or freaked out(whatever) by my last entry. I was in a bad miid that day. I'm in a weird state right now. alot's been up. you see Di and Michi actually talked to my mother over the weekend and told her that she was depressed. they didn't tell her every reason why though because they were afraid they'd get me in trouble if they said it was also do to family problems(which i would of gotten in trouble for). So my mother only thinks it's school and friends and i'm just going through some stupid phase, thinks i'm worrying for no reason, and doesn't understand the whole maginitude of the situation. dI don't like saying i'm depressed. It sounds stupid and selfish. Like it's some sort of exuse even though it's the actual reason for things. I realized that my life was consumed with worry about: school, friends, mother, abuela(spanish for grandmother), brother, bills, my mom's job, grades, college, scholarships, money, and evrything else in this world you could probably be worried about. Lately though, i feel they're drifting a way and i'm mad that i didn't get to fix them before they're leaving cause they'll be back now that i didn't confront them.
Just imagine this sceanario. You throw a house party right? And you invite alot of people. And your having a great time. And then from the corner of your eye you see a group of people you don't like because they're loud, annoying, depressing and have a tendency to cause problems at other peoples houses. So you go over and you talk to them. And they don't listen to you. They say all kinds of mean things to you and bring you down. So now you feel crappy. And you go to your friends for help. they give you advice and make you feel a whole lot better. they tell you should confront those losers and tell them to take a hike once and for all (because it hasn't been the first time they've been there and it gets worse and worse everytime). So you decide that you will as soon as you have a little more fun. And you do. But before you know it the party is everybody is going to leave. You feel fine but only because those peole arn't bothering you any more. Then you realize you havn't told those people to never come back. So as your looking for them around your house you find out that some of them left already! Without telling them to not come back again. Which means they will come back and make you feel like crap again. And what's worse is they left a big mess and you have to be left there having to pick it up all that trash.
Yup, that's probably best on how i can descirbe my interworkings right now. Sorry this entry is so long. On to another subject: I hate myself some times. I act so stupid and perky some times it's sickening. And some people actually think i'm like that! Which is why i'm glad i can pour myself out on here. it's my way of proving to people how intelligent and phlisophicall and deep i am just to prove i'm not an airhead. I started acting like this in 6th grade when i was also depressed,although not as bad now(*note* that there is a pattern. I've been depressed in 4th, 6th and now 8th grade. I know i'll be depressed in 10th and 12th and exactly why so it's something i'm going to have to get used to as much as i don't want to be sad.)because i came to the conclusion that if i acted hapy i would be. It obviously didn't work or solve anything. Just made things worse.
well got to go before you people get to bored of me. write later1 oh and if you would like to talk my e-mail is starfirebutterfly@hotmail.com. I'm always into making new friends!
Hello everyone. I am having a really crappy stressed out day. This week i have been living in momentary happieness(which was short and fake). It startedto ebb of yesterday night and now i'm back to my miserable state. I have a three page research paper due tomorrow and i havn't started(was told about it yesterday).My algebra class is absolutly impossible and Mrs. A will never stop being bitch. I have tons of algebra homework and the research paper and i'm only going to have one hour of spare time today to do homework(i have my confirmation today, it's a catholic thing).What's worse is for some reason i can't work on my website cause geocities is telling me i havn't started on my website yet. which is not true! It's \see for yourself how much i need to work on it!. And a lot of people are pissing me off for a number of reasons. the main reasoin is that only two(Michi and Cristie) out of the many other friends i have realize and care about the fact i'm depressed and the others act like they just don't give a damn. And frankly if you've read my journal don't leave me stupid messages on my tag board because you'd know i'm not in the mood these days to laugh at retared things or worry myself with crap like updating or linking. I'll get to it when i can!
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Sorry if i was mean but i'm in a really bad mood right now. Sorry if i've offended anyone.
Hey everyone. This is something i wrote yesterday while ago that i'd like to share with you. I still feel this way now, only i'm not sobbing anymore. I'll try not to as i type. My mom is in the room.
"Meaningless.Everything I do is just meaningless. Pointless. There is nothing that will make me happy anymore. Playing video games, wacthing t.v., listening to music, working on my anime website, it's all just so meaningless and it all just bores me. Some of those things may just numb the pain for a while. I'm just in this permanent state of sadness/bordom/pain. For the past week and couple of days I've been trying to block out all my problems and think positive. And blocking out my problems just got me here. I'm crying now for no particular reason. I guess I can't stand this state i'm in so I broke down. I just feel like I'm just existng some times you know? Doing nothing but breathing, taking up space and feeling pain. Like right now.*sigh* I'm just so tired right now. Mentally and physically. I'm sorry I haven't written in here lately. I just haven't felt like doing anything nowadays. At school, I just work on my website which brings me momentary happieness. My friends used to be the only thing that brought me happieness for a while. But now with all the stupid drama and problems and having to keep my true feelings about some of the sutff they do, just ruins it.Oh and do you know what else would also make me happy? Those rare sister-brother bonding moments I'd have with my brother in which I realize how much I truly love my brother and we'd hang out like best friends or these times when my mother wouldn't talk to me like i'm a total screw up who'll never do anything right or live up to her standered. God, I want that so bad! I just don't know what to do with myself. I know, i'll take a shower, eat some food, and go to bed...
Me--xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com7:25 p.m.
I'm sorry if i may sound near-suicidal right now. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just right now, i just don't see it...and i wonder when i will..."
Sorry it was so long. Bye
Michi’s take: Anai, I know that feeling very well. I didn’t really pursue my artistry until last year. (And you know my art is every thing to me) Meaning, that one year of my life in sixth grade was a complete waste. Or was it? I learned so much from my trials and tribulations. I realized that yes, I may have been miserable that year, but It was also one of the most important years of my life. I learned to suck it up, gained self confidence and discovered so many things about myself. You have to realize and confront you’re problems in order to move on and get over your misery. C’mon, Kyri… Life’s too short to be upset all the time. You’re hobbies are not meaningless. Your depression has just made you lose interest in them. Like, you just don’t want to do anything at all. Please, remember, You’re not living unless you’re really living…
I’m here for you,
Michi
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